It’s very common among addicts and even among those in recovery to blame others for their problems. Essentially, what you’re saying when you blame others for life circumstances is, ” My problems are not my fault.”.
However, there’s something very interesting that happens when you physically point the finger at someone else. If you notice, when you physically point your finger outward toward someone (as though you were blaming them), there are three fingers pointing back at you. In other words, the problem has very little to do with anyone else. Instead, it has everything to do with you.
Reclaiming a Sense of Power
This is a crucial point to learn in recovery. Although this might sound challenging, diving into the truth of it can actually be quite empowering. It is crucial to note that in order for anyone to recover from an addiction, his or her center of power must shift from external to internal. If someone is still blaming others for their addiction and finding cause for that addiction on the outside, reclaiming a sense of power can be the essential change one must make.
The flip side to this is also true. Anyone who is blaming others for their problems and who has an external center of power will often feel victimized. They will feel that life is happening to them, against them, and not for them. They might have the tendency to believe that their problems are solely the result of a power beyond their control. Those who believe in these terms might have a tendency to have low self-worth and little self-empowerment.
Learning about addiction and the patterns that contribute to it – such as blaming others – facilitate making different choices in life. When we recognize how we have in fact contributed to life’s problems, then we can shift our behavior. This is true with blaming – for instance, we can stop blaming others and look toward ourselves for the answer – as well as other patterns that tend to accompany addiction. These include powerlessness, co-dependency, enabling, compulsivity, and shame.
Taking responsibility and reclaiming that inner power is crucial for recovery. One of the most effective ways to make this external to internal shift is to return to the events prior to the addiction that may have stimulated a sense of powerlessness. Uncovering those events and circumstances can help a woman reclaim that internal power. It’s important to make a distinction here: an event in the past is not the cause for an addiction and so it is not to be blamed; rather it is the effect of that experience on a woman’s inner landscape that needs transforming.
The only person that can be blamed for any problems in your life right now is you. Next time when you’re pointing the finger at someone else, take note of the three fingers pointing back at you. Think about your role and how you’ve contributed to the problems you’re facing. This will empower you to make healthier and wiser choices in the future.